mum Vs parent guilt

This is quick and short. Can we call it.. a hot take?! I was listening to a popular Australian Mum podcast this week. A spinout from a contemporary frank and upbeat series that now offers a tailored version for “the blokes.”

Side note: raw & upbeat mums is a pulse check for where we’re at.

There’s often the ring-around in popular (and dominant) discussion in what I consider to be the m/othering space, as to whether it’s targeting the mums, the dads, parents, or parents to be, which of course you can confidently expect to mean hetero-normative cis white able-bodied parents.

Disclaimers made between these choices as the mothering space continues to grapple with gendered language - while intersectional experiences silenced in dominant discussion for another day (lol decade - if lucky).

How to de-gender parenting without silencing women’s experiences?

So this, “for the blokes”, podcast that helps to normalise male identifying parents in undertaking traditionally women’s labour, just briefly touched on the issue of ‘mum guilt’.

I haven’t got an academic reference for this, either in mind or on hand - start with Adrienne O’Reilly and Demeter Press, but it’s safe to say that this widely discussed issue encompasses commonly experienced feelings of inadequacy (or shame) among women in fulfilling mothering responsibility.

Not enough for their children. Not enough for their work. Not enough for their social relations. Not enough for themselves. Aka as Australian sociologist, Dr Sophie Brock notes, the perfect mum that society projects on women mothering children.

And to jump to the punchline, this perfection is filled with hypocrisies that no person could ever fulfil. Beyond unrealistic, when ‘mum’ is expected to both be at home fulfilled from simply caring for their children, while simultaneously excelling professionally, and having a rich social and personal life. Good lord.

So, back to the podcast: the cis-male host says “I had it! I had ‘mum guilt’.” As the primary carer, he felt guilty for being away from his children while on a boys weekend. It’s parent guilt, the two agree. I twinge. And it niggles.

There is a heap of things that shape, shift, and evolve for people practicing mothering work. No matter your sex, birthing or feeding experience, if you are caring for an infant, you’ll get the hormone hit, and your brain too will begin to change. You will get more grey matter, dumber in parts, far sharper in vigilance, empathy, and ability to read emotional queues.

That’s not sex, that’s not gender, that’s not intuition, that’s practice. So yes, it’s wonderful to hear of those experiences with non-birthing partners too being hyper-aware of their children, and absolutely their ongoing mothering role whether or not they are in sight.

But all that said, this is not ‘mum guilt’ that he experienced. This was not him grappling with the sociological pressures that women day in day out face when having children, that are reinforced to them long before even taking on that role in society’s eyes. And on steroids after.

Taking off the gender-lens to ‘mum guilt’ too quickly ignores and skims the incredibly pervasive social pressures that cis-men doing care work will not have had. Something I am only too aware of when I compare the social recognition that I received as a cis-woman being the primary carer compared to cis-men counterparts.

I’m conscious that de-gendering language is in many ways an important step to making the space of mothering more inclusive, and helps to drive gender-equity, which we so urgently need. But in turn it too can can quickly silence the very real gendered experiences that continue thick and heavy. I’m sure better reflections on this are out there. And ones for me to hopefully source one day.

In the meantime, I let go of parenting and stick to mothering - a noun that any person can undertake when fulfilling that hectic work and whacko responsibility. And in my hearty opinion, a further nod to the matriarchs and matricentric work that growing, birthing, raising infants, toddlers, and children has historically been. In many cultures that is, including my own.

Turns out not such a short hot-take. But one I certainly enjoyed after hearing the de-gendering of ‘mum-guilt’ briefly and easily. Other thoughts on this, let me know emma@effortlesscommunications.com.au.

Emma 💋