Get kid. Get fit.
I was at lunch, yarning about the multitude realities of parenting as my friend rattled off the dozens of ways in which his friends had practiced this over the years, and more still, the vast space between the cultural messages of what he had been told to expect, verse the adventures that he had then walked.
The one resounding feature of parenting that he wish he’d known, and would be so bold to advise others on, was the need to get strong, and get fit. To be ready to go - from day one, with or without sleep, and ready to go all day long - two hands to catch, one arm to carry, and stamina to navigate a fast changing person every week, every day.
We chuckled, and didn’t unpack this further. But my partner nodded, and I know it was sincere - particularly so, given the hefty health challenges and physical toll that his body took amidst the mothering work and mental load he took on.
That is the double shift at the end of the day as he went from paid-work with often long expected hours - to then cooking, cleaning, co-regulating, care arrangements, and notably - up at all hours to rock kids back to sleep, and in our case, often with a startled scream.
It racks up a significant toll on anyone, and you’re going to want a gatorade and a killer immunity to get through.
And while our babe is now four years old, I recall my partner just this week frazzled hell as he worked to cram our kid into the car with shoes and jumper on (good luck) lunchbox, waster-bottle, hat, brushed teeth, breakfast, sunscreen - anyone of those to be enough cause for an explosion - all by 8am - kill me now.
Why the military pressure to do all that down to the minute? So that he could do the drop-off, connect with the early ed teachers, and then of course, most importantly, ’get to work on time’.
No wonder he was fried by just 9.30am as he apologised to work, yet again. No wonder he’s faced criticisms from past managers for not being focussed or dedicated enough. No wonder he was, I expect, feeling not enough.
Trying to squish a relatively deregulated super developing brain with very little frontal cortex regulation into an incredibly rigid capitalist workforce is safe to say - nightmarish. And physically, you better be prepared, I say as I take another Vitamin C tablet hoping to get my own immunity up in time to do the preschool pickup with new bacteria in-tow.
This double shift from paid-work to care-work, is what women in Australia have experienced full throttle since the 90s as women not just won the right to work but increasingly had access to childcare facilities to do so. Insert statistics and insert theorists on this subject (I’ll fill this in when I can), but the uneven division of care labour in Australia today, unsurprisingly continues to disproportionately impact women.
They’re indeed largely running twice the race as men. No wonder studies find women doing mothering less satisfied and more burnt-out.
Perhaps if we setup workplaces, parenting ratios, and yes, economic structures to accomodate children differently, the pressure to be a marathon runner with A+ immunity would be less on those doing mothering.
But until then, beef up, and get your lycra on - because baby, you’ve got an uphill stream to swim.
Emma 💋