Adult conversations
I was listening to The Party Room on ABC RN when they played a listener’s question that finished with something on the lines of, “thank you for hosting this program. It’s provided me with much needed adult conversation on parental leave!”
Parental leave deeply sucks in many ways, but it is far from childish work.
You’re often primary caregiving for a relatively prematurely developed mammal infant who relies entirely on you for survival, 24 hours a day. You’re likely to be recovering from both pregnancy and birth, I can’t tell you how long that’s going to take with a growing discussion of post-partum forever.
Statistically in Australia, you’re likely to be isolated, juggling mundane, thankless, and repetitive tasks with greater difficulty than you ever would have before the baby, and for that matter, you're going through a significant transformation on all levels yourself.
You’re likely to be facing the contradiction of being incredibly bored, yet overstimulated by change, and undergoing one of the most intensive learning curves that you’ve taken on.
So when I hear, “much needed adult conversation”, “I have nothing to offer than baby talk when I go out”, or the common “when my partner gets home and shares what they’ve done, I have nothing to say,” I can’t help but find it grate me.
Why? When I too hate the incredibly repetitive, tireless and taxing nature of caring for a youngster, and similarly revel in the trashy and fancy audiobooks and podcasts I play loudly as I pretend to listen to my child’s request for Baby Shark for the fifth time. Kill me now.
I think when I’m honest and truly investigate why it pangs, it’s because it belittles what I’ve learnt. It suggests that this mothering and primary care giving work isn’t adult. And reinforces that it truly is as simple and elementary as it appears: “all I did was coo at my baby all day, when I have three degrees.”
I write what I need to hear, and that is: this is smart, emotionally and intellectually hard work. I look at some of the work of other m/others who are my colleagues right now, and they have some of the most incredible skills that not only are evidence-based and informed - but have been acquired through self motivated research and sophisticated consultation with others.
They know when and how to regulate their child’s cries, they’ve learnt what medical interventions and triage is needed, new systems, and services, they’ve project managed appointments, advocated and escalated development issues.
They’ve unskilled in child development theories, relationship theories, anthropology tests, emerging research, latest safety advice, and they know what exercises and practices to take from week two of birth to promote rolling, neurons and connecting the sides of an infant's brain. Add others.
This isn’t instinct. It’s intuition and it’s learnt over hours of Google, books, full and utter immersion.
Is this not adult expertise? Is this not sophisticated work and knowledge? Yes it’s cooing, but I guarantee if you have those three degrees you’ll also know exactly why it is that you are cooing - and that’s something to talk about.
Emma 💋